Part V. Holistic Reflection
Coming to the end of my second and final year of the MA TESOL program at Hawai‘i Pacific University, I have once again realized something about myself: I love to learn. Writing papers might not be my favorite thing to do (I have a tendency to be wordy and redundant), but I love what happens to me as I prepare to write. I will explain: I find a topic that interests me, and I become more involved with the library and Internet than I would like to admit, and I sit for hours pouring over the words and ideas of great people who have already discovered this idea (but they use fewer words.) Now, as I sit and write this final reflection, one that has no outward research to be done, I find myself struggling to find enough words to express how I am feeling.
When I entered the MA TESOL program at Hawai‘i Pacific University, I knew I wanted to teach English, but I also was planning to remain in the public school systems since this was what I received my BA in and had a license to teach language arts in a secondary public school system in Colorado. Moving to Hawai‘i was not originally part of my plan, so I had to make some changes regarding my future. As I progressed through the first few semesters here, I realized that I might have chosen the wrong program. I was not learning to become an ESL teacher in the United States, which was the reason I had entered the program. I was taught, however, to become something I did not plan to become: a successful EFL teacher in an international setting. I was learning some great strategies for teaching English and writing lesson plans and creating materials, but it seemed like I was training for a race I would never run. Due to my personal life, my professional life is not headed in that direction. There was definitely a point in my time here that I wondered if I was wasting time and money on something I would never be able to use in my career.
When I began my third semester, I was feeling a bit doubtful about my decisions to enter the MA TESOL program and the experiences I was having in Practicum I were not as motivating, educational, or eye-opening as I had hoped they would be. I was becoming even more discouraged about my choice. I was observing adults in a night school because I wanted to see what it would be like to work with beginner students. I observed different teachers in the foreign language department as it seemed to correlate with my future path: teaching students a new language. I was not enjoying it. I dreaded almost every night that I knew I had to observe and help in the classroom with the adult students. It was not that I did not like them or felt that I had better things to be doing with my time, but I had always seen myself working with children or teenagers. I was feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed with my current situation. Luckily for me, things were about to turn around.
Halfway through the fall semester of 2012, I began volunteering in an ESL classroom at an all-girls private school. I went once a week for an hour and I suddenly had a teaching experience to look forward to each week. Most of the time I was only there to help some of the older, more advanced girls work on their homework, but I felt as if they really needed me there; I felt as though I was there doing what I initially set out to do as a teacher: make a difference in the lives of children. There were days when we never finished the homework. (Physics still is not my best subject.) There were days when I left feeling as though I did not really make the difference I had hoped for. Then, there were the days when I felt as though everything I did, everything the girls needed help doing or understanding was accomplished because of my knowledge and my desire to help them. Maybe I would not be teaching around the world, but because of my courses in the MA TESOL program I was learning the skills and strategies I needed to teach English right here in the United States.
Setting up my schedule for my final semester had me feeling as though I was going to be having a lot of time to really enjoy myself outside of school. I knew I would have to devote some time for my Practicum II course and teaching time, but I had signed up for two evening classes which meant I would have plenty of time otherwise for schoolwork, group work, and working on my capstone. Then an opportunity presented itself that would completely throw my plan off course, and I had to take it. Beginning in January, I would be teaching, as an actual teacher, with my own students, at Education First in Waikiki. Education First is a private language school that hosts students from all over the world as they come to learn English. Despite knowing I was going to be throwing myself back into a constant state of controlled chaos, I had to take the job. I was worried I would not get an opportunity like this again soon after I had graduated.
When I first began teaching at Education First, I felt as though I had learned nothing. I felt nervous and unprepared all the time. I was worried I really had not learned anything in the year and a half I had been working prior to getting my job. I was regretting taking the job without having had anyone to help me with my teaching. I had a mentor teacher when I student-taught as an undergraduate, but now I was on my own, something I suddenly realized was not as great as I previously had thought it to be. I guess I figured it out somehow, but looking back I feel sorry for my students the first couple of weeks. Their teacher was figuring things out as she went! I can definitely use those first few weeks as a teaching experience for myself. Next time I get into a situation where I am not sure of anything I am doing, I will prepare more. I followed the textbook to the tee, whether or not the activity fit in with the topic of the class or if it seemed relevant for us to be doing.
While I worked my way through those first few weeks, I felt less and less like this was the setting for me as a teacher. I liked meeting new people from all over the world, but the school seemed to be more focused on retaining students for monetary purposes, rather than help the students learn English in a great location. The fact that I was teaching, starting a new semester and working on my portfolio made me extremely stressed out and I did not feel like Education First was the place for me. Thankfully, my students had been amazing.
I have been told many times that this language school is a dream school for beginning language teachers because it is a low-stress environment for teachers and students and the students are so diverse. I teach the lowest level course at the school, which also makes my situation unique compared to my coworkers: I usually have 100% attendance every day. My students want to be in class to learn and communicate with other students who do not share their first language. Of all the students in the school, they have the most to learn. They love to learn, they ask great questions, and they are so willing to do anything that I ask of them, even if the textbook is a bit ridiculous or hard to relate to.
I am realizing more and more that I am in the exact place I need to be. Having come to HPU to connect with the professors and students has taught me so much and given me wonderful memories, teaching strategies, and materials I would have not otherwise gotten. I love to teach because I can help people. I can show my students that they belong in the classroom, and that every one of them deserves the chance to learn English. I might not be in a public school setting, but that does not mean that my students need me any less. I do not know where my future will take me and whether or not I will be teaching at a private language school, or will remain in Hawai‘i for a long time. I do know that I have chosen the right path to get me back in the classroom. I know that as long as I love to learn and to teach I can help others, which is why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place.
When I entered the MA TESOL program at Hawai‘i Pacific University, I knew I wanted to teach English, but I also was planning to remain in the public school systems since this was what I received my BA in and had a license to teach language arts in a secondary public school system in Colorado. Moving to Hawai‘i was not originally part of my plan, so I had to make some changes regarding my future. As I progressed through the first few semesters here, I realized that I might have chosen the wrong program. I was not learning to become an ESL teacher in the United States, which was the reason I had entered the program. I was taught, however, to become something I did not plan to become: a successful EFL teacher in an international setting. I was learning some great strategies for teaching English and writing lesson plans and creating materials, but it seemed like I was training for a race I would never run. Due to my personal life, my professional life is not headed in that direction. There was definitely a point in my time here that I wondered if I was wasting time and money on something I would never be able to use in my career.
When I began my third semester, I was feeling a bit doubtful about my decisions to enter the MA TESOL program and the experiences I was having in Practicum I were not as motivating, educational, or eye-opening as I had hoped they would be. I was becoming even more discouraged about my choice. I was observing adults in a night school because I wanted to see what it would be like to work with beginner students. I observed different teachers in the foreign language department as it seemed to correlate with my future path: teaching students a new language. I was not enjoying it. I dreaded almost every night that I knew I had to observe and help in the classroom with the adult students. It was not that I did not like them or felt that I had better things to be doing with my time, but I had always seen myself working with children or teenagers. I was feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed with my current situation. Luckily for me, things were about to turn around.
Halfway through the fall semester of 2012, I began volunteering in an ESL classroom at an all-girls private school. I went once a week for an hour and I suddenly had a teaching experience to look forward to each week. Most of the time I was only there to help some of the older, more advanced girls work on their homework, but I felt as if they really needed me there; I felt as though I was there doing what I initially set out to do as a teacher: make a difference in the lives of children. There were days when we never finished the homework. (Physics still is not my best subject.) There were days when I left feeling as though I did not really make the difference I had hoped for. Then, there were the days when I felt as though everything I did, everything the girls needed help doing or understanding was accomplished because of my knowledge and my desire to help them. Maybe I would not be teaching around the world, but because of my courses in the MA TESOL program I was learning the skills and strategies I needed to teach English right here in the United States.
Setting up my schedule for my final semester had me feeling as though I was going to be having a lot of time to really enjoy myself outside of school. I knew I would have to devote some time for my Practicum II course and teaching time, but I had signed up for two evening classes which meant I would have plenty of time otherwise for schoolwork, group work, and working on my capstone. Then an opportunity presented itself that would completely throw my plan off course, and I had to take it. Beginning in January, I would be teaching, as an actual teacher, with my own students, at Education First in Waikiki. Education First is a private language school that hosts students from all over the world as they come to learn English. Despite knowing I was going to be throwing myself back into a constant state of controlled chaos, I had to take the job. I was worried I would not get an opportunity like this again soon after I had graduated.
When I first began teaching at Education First, I felt as though I had learned nothing. I felt nervous and unprepared all the time. I was worried I really had not learned anything in the year and a half I had been working prior to getting my job. I was regretting taking the job without having had anyone to help me with my teaching. I had a mentor teacher when I student-taught as an undergraduate, but now I was on my own, something I suddenly realized was not as great as I previously had thought it to be. I guess I figured it out somehow, but looking back I feel sorry for my students the first couple of weeks. Their teacher was figuring things out as she went! I can definitely use those first few weeks as a teaching experience for myself. Next time I get into a situation where I am not sure of anything I am doing, I will prepare more. I followed the textbook to the tee, whether or not the activity fit in with the topic of the class or if it seemed relevant for us to be doing.
While I worked my way through those first few weeks, I felt less and less like this was the setting for me as a teacher. I liked meeting new people from all over the world, but the school seemed to be more focused on retaining students for monetary purposes, rather than help the students learn English in a great location. The fact that I was teaching, starting a new semester and working on my portfolio made me extremely stressed out and I did not feel like Education First was the place for me. Thankfully, my students had been amazing.
I have been told many times that this language school is a dream school for beginning language teachers because it is a low-stress environment for teachers and students and the students are so diverse. I teach the lowest level course at the school, which also makes my situation unique compared to my coworkers: I usually have 100% attendance every day. My students want to be in class to learn and communicate with other students who do not share their first language. Of all the students in the school, they have the most to learn. They love to learn, they ask great questions, and they are so willing to do anything that I ask of them, even if the textbook is a bit ridiculous or hard to relate to.
I am realizing more and more that I am in the exact place I need to be. Having come to HPU to connect with the professors and students has taught me so much and given me wonderful memories, teaching strategies, and materials I would have not otherwise gotten. I love to teach because I can help people. I can show my students that they belong in the classroom, and that every one of them deserves the chance to learn English. I might not be in a public school setting, but that does not mean that my students need me any less. I do not know where my future will take me and whether or not I will be teaching at a private language school, or will remain in Hawai‘i for a long time. I do know that I have chosen the right path to get me back in the classroom. I know that as long as I love to learn and to teach I can help others, which is why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place.